I don't want to go to heaven— certainly, not hell. And I'm terrified of dying.

My existential anxiety

One of my earliest memories as a child was having a panic attack.

I was in my room when I got trapped in the snares of my own mind. I started screaming. My parents rushed into my room to find me shaking and shouting, soaked in my own sweat and tears.

They asked me what was wrong. I told them that I didn't want to go to heaven.

“Why?” My mom asked. My dad was too confused to talk.

“I'll live forever. I don't want to live forever.”

They were confused. We were sent to Block Rosary almost every evening and we never missed mass on Sundays. My parents wanted us to learn and love God early in life so, we don’t do things that will land us in hell.

I loved God with every fiber of my being. I enjoyed Block Rosary and every other church activity such as Legion of Mary, Carol singing, and more.

I loved living for Him until one day, they taught us about heaven and hell. They always told us about heaven and hell but this particular teacher detailed the gory difference of hell from the glorious heaven.

Nobody wanted to go to hell but I was terrified of heaven.

“Chineke Nna!” My mother exclaimed. While my dad took me into his arms.

“They said we'll live forever in heaven. We'll wear white and sing Hallelujah forever. No end.”

“Is it hell that you want to go to?” My parents asked.

“Nooooooo!” I screamed, crying.

“Then, why are you saying you don’t want to go to heaven?”

“I don't want to go to hell too!”

“Shhhhh… It’s okay. You won’t go to hell, okay. You’re a good girl and if you remain a good girl, you won’t be sent to hell.” I quieted down. To this day, I appreciate my parents for being sensitive and understanding about it.

After a few seconds of calm, I said, “It's scary to think about heaven and hell because I'll live forever so, I tried thinking of the opposite. I thought about death. What if when we die we stop existing? That was when I started screaming.”

“It's okay,” they said. “You're not dying yet. You still have 100 years to live. Stop thinking about these things. You're alive now and that's all that matters. Just focus on the world you're living in. Stop thinking about these things.”

And I did. Whenever the thoughts come to my head, I breathe and remind myself of the present. It helps.

This was my Existential anxiety.

What is Existential Anxiety?

Existential anxiety is that awful feeling of panic you might get when you think too hard about life's big questions, like what happens after death or the idea of living forever.

This anxiety can hit you like a trailer at high speed and might even make you scream out in fear. This is because the thoughts are just too much to handle.

It's basically when you feel really scared and uneasy while trying to understand why we exist, what life is all about, how it all ends, and how you're so small and insignificant in our universe.

This type of anxiety is not the type where you experience when you're waiting for the results of the exam you didn't prepare for. It's not the type that makes you shake while asking your crush out.

This is bigger and deeper. This is about life's big questions.

I'd grown up dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear until I sat myself down and talked about the dread I silenced.

No! That didn't cure my anxiety right away but it made me realize that I was a writer.

I had to embrace a part of me that hated life that I loved. Who said that I can't hate and love this life at the same time?

I love this life for the privileges I enjoy and I hate it because I never wanted to be born in it. If I wasn’t born, I would never have tasted consciousness. Now, within the boundaries of my consciousness, I’m attached to life and terrified of dying.

Life is beautiful as imperfect as it is but it’s also cruel. So cruel, a boy drank sniper to get board to the great beyond and people made fun of him.

I remember shouting down at my classmates for making insensitive jokes and comments about the unfortunate event.

Maybe I was really sensitive about it because I experienced depression, emptiness, and existential anxiety then often. These messy emotions made me an existential writer.

No, I don't mean that I write only about existentialism. Actually, I'm a brand storyteller, copy, and content writer.

Existentialism is a state I'm immersed in. I think about life often. That's what makes me an existential writer.

What’s Existentialism?

Existentialism is a way of thinking that focuses on big questions about life and what it means to be human. This includes questions like:

“What's the purpose of life?”
“Why do we exist?”
“What does it mean to be free and responsible for our choices?”

Existentialists are always seeking and pondering over these questions. And they believe that we're to create our own meaning by living and making choices.

And creatives are the ones who experience this the most. Their minds are wired to create things about their experience, their lives, their dreams, and the life beyond what we know.

While many are fascinated by their mind works, more suffer the dread, anxiety, and depression that comes with it.

Years after the boy’s death, I met his friend.

I was among the barrage of people who believed he was depressed and that if he had someone to talk to, he wouldn’t have committed suicide.

When I discussed this with his friend, he listened to me before admitting to have known him.

He told me he was glad the boy died. What the boy suffered wasn’t just depression. It was worse than that.

He told me that the boy would always say that he felt like he wasn't meant to come to this world and that's why he had to go.

Through that conversation, I found out that the boy had attempted suicide a few times in the past until one gave him the passage he sought.

This was existential depression.

What's Existential Depression

Existential Depression is an ongoing state of feeling hopeless or apathy. Maybe the boy perceived a lack of meaning or purpose in life.

Existential depression might make it difficult to find joy in things you once loved or lead to feelings of worthlessness or emptiness.

It's a persistent condition that can significantly impact your daily life. And even though the boy got and often requires professional support and therapy, he still succumbed to it.

Dear Existential Creative,

Whatever feelings existentialism brings to you, use it and CREATE something useful, twisted, beautiful, and broken.

You’re the spice to life. Life isn’t meant to be beautiful always and that’s the beauty of it.

No matter the state and intensity, it soaks you in, do this:

• Dip your pen in it and write
• Pour it on a canvas
• Sing about it
• Design
• Create
• Explore
• Read

We experience this life once, don't let it pass you by.

No matter how tortured you feel, remember that you're cursed with a blessing. So, Mark your life here on earth.

Cyprian Ekwensi did that. I read him inspired and impressed. He’s gone. I don’t know if he’s in heaven, hell, or non-existent. But I experience him through his books.

His light didn’t extinguish, he ignited mine and millions of others.

Now, I save his flame alongside others like Elif Shafak, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Beyoncé, and more.

With my core flames burning, I raze papers with words. Do the same. It’s worth it.

Create something.